Hardware Haiku

Honeydew Painter
My wife wants me to paint today
I am colorblind

Sulfuric Acid
Yup, girls have a lot of hair
Hair = drain plug

Lovely Old Ladies
Turn into harpies each day
there is a store sale.

How can I help you?
Worms are eating my Weed plants.
Not my Department.

My divine belief
is that angels come in form
of Hardware Store DOGS!

Kip Recommends: JULY

Cool shit list of July:

Cool Gadget Alert!
iRobot Scooba: Sooooooooo cool! Cleans your floors for you. And potential cat toy. What's not to love for $300.00?

This product goes nicely with this You Tube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf9wHkkNGUU

Sweaty Summer People Awesomeness:
ANTI-Monkey Butt Powder, because it's weird, and I like monkeys because I'm a wannabe Primatologist.



More to come...

Hardware Haiku

Stupid Customer

Why can't you buy your trash can

with a god damn lid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks. Kip

The Beginning

June 2005, 30 seconds out of high school, moved out(with a boyfriend...dumb.dumb.dumb), and in need for a job.

Did I know anything about hardware....? Nope. I remember my childhood hardware store though. I remember going early in the morning to get donuts and wander around aimlessly in dark and dusty aisles full of weird stuff that people seemed to absolutely need. I remember liking to go to the hardware store. At that point I was on the fence between the ice cream parlor... and the hardware store.

So how did I get a job at one. Luck really. I had conversational spanish skills (shhh not really) and I knew how to use computer register software. BAM Hired! I've never looked back since.

I should have really jumped on the blog bandwagon much earlier because I have a mountain of time to back track for the amusement and entertainment of all while simultaneously gifting the present.

Starting With Today

....... before the beginning, the beginning of the story that is.

Let's start with addressing this whole being a girl thing. Traditionally the Hardware store industry has obviously, like many American professions, been dominated by men. Not something I have a problem with. It's a reality. And there is no But to this line of thought, only words of respectful suggestion on etiquette for those who are willing to direct their perspective on a different vector (yup, just said that).

Let's do some translation role play shall we?

Kip: Hi, what can I help you find today?

Female Customer: Do you have those door stops that you push down? like the industrial kind?

Kip: Yeah sure! Let me show you.

FC: (Upon finding door stop)... oh great exactly what I wanted. Now I have another question, and I hate to be racist against a girl (Guffaw, Guffaw, Gufawwwww), but I just wouldn't know the answer myself, and ya know I just want to make sure I get the right answer.

Really..? Yup, this happened to me today in fact. Happens all the time. And equally from men and women. Not really heartbroken about it, just makes the day more interesting. Unless people are unnecessarily rude, then they become fair game. Face my witty comebacks, I dare you!

Look, I get it. You go to any big box/local store and some employees have very little personal or serious experience with using any of the stuffs in the store. The majority of the workforce may be totally unreliable narrators (yes, yes, yes! - even I fake it at times). But there are ways to test the waters of a persons knowledge with an air of the cavalier and quick determination.

PHRASES THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY- Because what they really mean is "I don't think you know anything about anything and you shouldn't be working here":

1.) Oh, do you know this department well?

2.) Should I ask one of the guys?

3.) I don't know if you can help me or not but...

4.) I was wondering if you can find someone to help me?

5.) Can you direct me to the plumbing-electrical-tool-etc expert?

One can always tell situation from situation, the feeling you get upon encountering this sitch. 98% of the time they are light hearted, misspoken, and easy to brush off. Plus it just comes with the territory, sometimes I just have to take it.

It is always fun to discuss current society and gender roles, but let's remember it happens to men too. Just the other day, I had a man turn down help from colleague (also a man) in paint because "I don't trust him to mix my paint. I need a woman's perspective." I admit I relished the moment for a secret second.

An Homage to working, living, breathing in Hardware Store Culture

UNDER CONSTRUCTION always and forever.

What is it that people find fascinating about Hardware Stores? I never even pondered the question when I applied to work at one right out of high school. Over the years I have encountered many of the J.R.R Tolkein folk, ya know the wanderers who aren't lost? or more importantly who aren't looking for anything in particular. All they seem to do is awake from their unfocused trance and exclaim wistfully, "Oh, I just love Hardware Stores... I could just get lost for hours!". And on their way they go. This approach is certainly common among all hardware stores and is often underestimated. No one should ever underestimate the hardware store junky, or their culture. It is a passionate pastime that means different things to different people.

Speaking of people, you should never work for a hardware store if you don't like people. AKA have an extremely high tolerance for all kinds of people, with all kinds of missions, projects, attitudes, questions, questions, questions, smells (You know exactly what I mean.), languages, and industry slang. Oddly enough, this very high tolerance tool led to my eventual degree in cultural Anthropology. I am a hardware geek and a people geek. I assure you I am perfectly interesting, have much to offer the world, and many stories to share. Get excited.

So what is my purpose? I hope to share my fantasies, fiction, and truth about this personal and fascinating culture, to give helpful advice, share industry secrets, make you laugh out loud- for real, and make more people want to walk into the local hardware store.

Fantasy number one:

My own hardware store

My own hardware store pet(UH yes a dog, a cat, annnnnd a mini horse)

My own early morning donuts for me and customers.

Truth number one:

Yes, I'm a girl. Yes, I like hardware. And yes, I think it's perfectly normal.