Hardware Store Truth vs. Reality

Happy November,

So I want to discuss a little hardware store truth vs. reality. I hate to serve up a hot steaming, burn-your-tongue, reality check but I gotta throw some ideas out.

TRUTH
1.) Just because I work in the ______________ (Insert any general Hardware Store Department) doesn't mean I'm a professional ______________ (Painter, Electrician, Plumber, Landscaper, etc.)

REALITY
-Now, that does not in anyway excuse the fact that I should know what the hell I'm talking about, no where product is located, know what it is used for, and have the ability to suggest solutions to your various needs and/or problems. Or exclude the fact that I may have sometime been, worked in, or had some sort of experience with the actual profession of the department I work in.

REALITY CHECK

It is unfair to assume that someone doesn't know anything, or is bad at their job just because they have never been an actual professional. Just like many trade professionals, Hardware Retail is a job that can be learned on the job and over time from experience. And the POINT of our job is really two things 1.) Know all possible information about the product we sell, 2.) Be able to accurately suggest product for you to buy that could help/fix/enhance/refresh/clean/etc. whatever project your working on.

Just because we may have never actually used the product in real life, is actually a moot point. Really, I swear. It's actually not part of the job description. Does it help, Absolutely. Does it make someone a better source of advice, yes. But If you come in and tell me "I want to refinish my deck, how should I clean it?" and I suggest to you that you should use a power washer, and I've never actually used one in real life... That doesn't give you the right to a D*ck.

Basically, if someone is honest enough to say that they don't know the answer to your question and your rebuttal is "So why do you work in this department if you don't know?" don't be surprised if the answer back is

"Sorry sir/m'ame but I don't have any tissues and your being pretty snotty. Have a nice day"

Articles to come:

Vent me Colorblind
Cool S*Ht of the Month
Crazy Customers 1,2,&3
Hardware Haiku
Mas Hardware Retail Etiquette

Happy October!

My zen lesson of the month.

NOTHING IS EVER TRULY DEFECTIVE.

Make it work, and make it funny.

Kip

PS. I love working with my husband. We are mischievous creative geniuses :)

Graphic design Hero!

Please Visit

www.garrettscafani.me

www.garrettscafani.com

Photo Copyright Garrett Scafani

Hardware Haiku

Stupid Pink Spackle

Goes on pink and dries bright white

What's wrong with RAINBOW?

I'm addicted to...

Only the coolest Hardware stores sell BLUE SHARK CANDY NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!!

Best glass cleaner ever. I like to draw pictures in the foam on my windows. My husband doesn't appreciate the window art though... I blame it on the cats.

Yup. Completely pointless. But I am addicted to my laundry smelling like this. And yes I use Gain detergent.

..Don't Judge me. I've been doing laundry all day.

Step By Step Wedding Wine Box

All right Hardware Brides and Grooms,

The wedding wine box is a totally sweet awesome addition to anyone's wedding day to make it a little extra special. The wine box can even be turned into a crowd interactive part of your ceremony. My husband and I were thinking about incorporating it into our ceremony. If I wasn't worried about him passing out (Kinda a nervous one :) ), we definitely would have.

It goes something like: During your ceremony at an appropriate time you bring out the prepared wine box. You prepare all the guest before hand with a note card (Hopefully already filled out) and invite them to come forward to place their card and their blessing in the box. Then the bride and groom, groom and groom, or Bride and Bride, seals the box in front of all, which is not to be opened again until their one year anniversary, or however long they decide.

Because I new my Hubby wasn't going to make through a longer ceremony, we opted for a stationary wine box near the gift table, which we nailed shut at the end of the night before we left for our honeymoon. We now have it stored in a cool place and will not open it again until our anniversary. I have no idea what anyone wrote, so it will surely be a grand surprizzzzE.

I found an old wine box that was ~ 1.5 x 2.5ft, It was made from oak but the bottom was rotted out and it had no lid. I had to sand it down a lot and I replaced the bottom with plywood and made a lid from plywood. Then I stained it with a very cool Minwax product, "Burgundy", which is a water based semi-transparent stain. I added some cool drawer pull handles on the side, stuffed it with packing straw, and glued wooden letters in our last name on the lid. It came out very nice.

will add more pictures soon..

Hardware Wedding Projects

Everything I made myself for the wedding:

Invitations
Centerpieces
Wine Box
Arbor
Veil
Bride and Bridesmaid Bouquets
Groom and Best-men Boutonnieres
Cork Board Frame
Decorations
Stationary

The Invitations: I Printed out myself with an invitation Kit I purchased from a local Craft Store. It cost me about 90$ and was very labor intensive on the computer. I sent out over 180 invitations, but it was entirely worth it and I got a lot of compliments on them even though I didn't think people would really care to notice. No one could tell I made them myself.

Centerpieces: Thanks you thank you to the Friends of mine with an Unruly Curly Willow Tree in their back yard. They let me take two truck loads home with me. I then dried the branches out for 4 or 5 months and used them in my centerpieces and table decorations, as well as my Arbor.

I asked friends and family for spare clear vases and many came through. I also picked up a half a dozen at the local Salvation Army. For the filler I discovered a neat product called "Deco Beads", which are these tiny dehydrated balls of plastic that you throw in water and they expand and fill lots of volume. I bought tulle fabric and pretty plastic rock things that went around the vases to complete the look.

Wine Box: The Wine Box was something I read about online. You make a wine box and put two wine glasses with your wedding wine, and instead of using a guestbook you have everyone sign cards (ours were mini cards that looked like iPhones so they could leave us TXT Messages ) and throw them in the box, at the end of the night the bride and groom seal up the box and don't open it until their one year anniversary. Awesomely fun idea. I will go into extra detail on the "HOW-To" later.

ARBOR: Probably the hardest think to make was our Marriage Arbor. My husband and I, and later the Groomsmen, built it out of Bamboo poles you use in the garden to hold up trees. Then my Bridesmaids and I decorated it with Organza, tulle, and curly willow.

The Flower and Boutonnieres: These were very fun to make. You tube is the bomb! there are so many helpful videos. With a few practice runs I became a champ at the bouquet making and the boutonnieres were easy.

Veil: Hair Comb + Tulle + needle and thread + veil. SO EASY, and I felt so good wearing it because I had made it. And I used Champagne colored Tulle for an extra twist.

Hardware Wedding

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I apologize for the deprivation of blogging. I am a rookie. Over the Last couple months I've been busy getting Married. But I assure you I was constantly thinking about how much Hardware I was using in preparation and I was excited about being able to blog about it.

First of all, weddings are a lot of work. Someday a department in my Hardware store will be dedicated to DO IT YOURSELF Brides (Like ME). And I will have project ideas posted and maybe even instructional classes on how to make common Marriage Gear. Seriously, I can't even stand how good of an idea this is.

Ok, so you may be thinking "How much Hardware can a Bride really need?" Considering the entire industry out in our world that is dedicated to doing everything for you. Ya know, like the planners, and the florists, and the printing, and the rentals, and the Expo's, etc.

I figured out very early on that, the formation of your dreams and everything about your perfect wedding day is controlled and limited by your budget. And I had people tell there was nothing they could do for me with my "unfortunate Budget".

RED FLAG #1: These people don't want to help me. They just want my money.
RED FLAG #2: Most of these people (Not all..) Aren't in this industry because they like weddings and want to help people. The wedding industry is a Billion Dollar a year world. AND Fuck 'em because I want no Part of it.

So after much discouragement, many burst bubbles, and a few bridezilla moments... I had an enlightenment. Am I even this girl? Have I been dreaming about this moment for years? Am I that girl that listens to Martha Stewart's subliminal messaging?

Nope. I am a Hardware Bride, an Off Beat Bride, a DIY kinda girl, who has the tools and the love and the support to Do It Myself. Which is my Perfect, My dream, and I had the Best Wedding I could have ever hoped for.

Hardware Haiku

Honeydew Painter
My wife wants me to paint today
I am colorblind

Sulfuric Acid
Yup, girls have a lot of hair
Hair = drain plug

Lovely Old Ladies
Turn into harpies each day
there is a store sale.

How can I help you?
Worms are eating my Weed plants.
Not my Department.

My divine belief
is that angels come in form
of Hardware Store DOGS!

Kip Recommends: JULY

Cool shit list of July:

Cool Gadget Alert!
iRobot Scooba: Sooooooooo cool! Cleans your floors for you. And potential cat toy. What's not to love for $300.00?

This product goes nicely with this You Tube Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf9wHkkNGUU

Sweaty Summer People Awesomeness:
ANTI-Monkey Butt Powder, because it's weird, and I like monkeys because I'm a wannabe Primatologist.



More to come...

Hardware Haiku

Stupid Customer

Why can't you buy your trash can

with a god damn lid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks. Kip

The Beginning

June 2005, 30 seconds out of high school, moved out(with a boyfriend...dumb.dumb.dumb), and in need for a job.

Did I know anything about hardware....? Nope. I remember my childhood hardware store though. I remember going early in the morning to get donuts and wander around aimlessly in dark and dusty aisles full of weird stuff that people seemed to absolutely need. I remember liking to go to the hardware store. At that point I was on the fence between the ice cream parlor... and the hardware store.

So how did I get a job at one. Luck really. I had conversational spanish skills (shhh not really) and I knew how to use computer register software. BAM Hired! I've never looked back since.

I should have really jumped on the blog bandwagon much earlier because I have a mountain of time to back track for the amusement and entertainment of all while simultaneously gifting the present.

Starting With Today

....... before the beginning, the beginning of the story that is.

Let's start with addressing this whole being a girl thing. Traditionally the Hardware store industry has obviously, like many American professions, been dominated by men. Not something I have a problem with. It's a reality. And there is no But to this line of thought, only words of respectful suggestion on etiquette for those who are willing to direct their perspective on a different vector (yup, just said that).

Let's do some translation role play shall we?

Kip: Hi, what can I help you find today?

Female Customer: Do you have those door stops that you push down? like the industrial kind?

Kip: Yeah sure! Let me show you.

FC: (Upon finding door stop)... oh great exactly what I wanted. Now I have another question, and I hate to be racist against a girl (Guffaw, Guffaw, Gufawwwww), but I just wouldn't know the answer myself, and ya know I just want to make sure I get the right answer.

Really..? Yup, this happened to me today in fact. Happens all the time. And equally from men and women. Not really heartbroken about it, just makes the day more interesting. Unless people are unnecessarily rude, then they become fair game. Face my witty comebacks, I dare you!

Look, I get it. You go to any big box/local store and some employees have very little personal or serious experience with using any of the stuffs in the store. The majority of the workforce may be totally unreliable narrators (yes, yes, yes! - even I fake it at times). But there are ways to test the waters of a persons knowledge with an air of the cavalier and quick determination.

PHRASES THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY- Because what they really mean is "I don't think you know anything about anything and you shouldn't be working here":

1.) Oh, do you know this department well?

2.) Should I ask one of the guys?

3.) I don't know if you can help me or not but...

4.) I was wondering if you can find someone to help me?

5.) Can you direct me to the plumbing-electrical-tool-etc expert?

One can always tell situation from situation, the feeling you get upon encountering this sitch. 98% of the time they are light hearted, misspoken, and easy to brush off. Plus it just comes with the territory, sometimes I just have to take it.

It is always fun to discuss current society and gender roles, but let's remember it happens to men too. Just the other day, I had a man turn down help from colleague (also a man) in paint because "I don't trust him to mix my paint. I need a woman's perspective." I admit I relished the moment for a secret second.

An Homage to working, living, breathing in Hardware Store Culture

UNDER CONSTRUCTION always and forever.

What is it that people find fascinating about Hardware Stores? I never even pondered the question when I applied to work at one right out of high school. Over the years I have encountered many of the J.R.R Tolkein folk, ya know the wanderers who aren't lost? or more importantly who aren't looking for anything in particular. All they seem to do is awake from their unfocused trance and exclaim wistfully, "Oh, I just love Hardware Stores... I could just get lost for hours!". And on their way they go. This approach is certainly common among all hardware stores and is often underestimated. No one should ever underestimate the hardware store junky, or their culture. It is a passionate pastime that means different things to different people.

Speaking of people, you should never work for a hardware store if you don't like people. AKA have an extremely high tolerance for all kinds of people, with all kinds of missions, projects, attitudes, questions, questions, questions, smells (You know exactly what I mean.), languages, and industry slang. Oddly enough, this very high tolerance tool led to my eventual degree in cultural Anthropology. I am a hardware geek and a people geek. I assure you I am perfectly interesting, have much to offer the world, and many stories to share. Get excited.

So what is my purpose? I hope to share my fantasies, fiction, and truth about this personal and fascinating culture, to give helpful advice, share industry secrets, make you laugh out loud- for real, and make more people want to walk into the local hardware store.

Fantasy number one:

My own hardware store

My own hardware store pet(UH yes a dog, a cat, annnnnd a mini horse)

My own early morning donuts for me and customers.

Truth number one:

Yes, I'm a girl. Yes, I like hardware. And yes, I think it's perfectly normal.